Archive for August, 2009

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LOOKING FOR CANDIDATES

Monday, August 31st, 2009
I would like to start out by saying, although my “higher education” is in Print Communications, I have come to the conclusion that I make a much better “story teller” than a journalist. Thanks to my poor grammar, bad spelling, minimal typing skills and barely basic computer awareness, I have a hard time getting all my “fantastic” stories out of my head and into a legible written form. Hand writing in notebooks has always been my way of keeping records. Old school. Which shall be the lucky pen tonight, I always think as I pull a ball point out of my cup. All my silly or scary stories. Something would pop into my head and off I’d go, filling page after page. That I could handle, and for over 30-years it had been my method. But, with modern technology, and everything via the web, I started thinking it was time to take advantage of my 12-year-old daughter’s computer savvy and finally turn my talent and skills into a “paying” career!

Back to where I started. I am a great story teller, and I am going to do the best I can, with all the help that is available to me. So, when you find a misspelled word, a typographical error or an improper use of grammar, please be kind. If you happen to find several, mark them and send it to me. This way, maybe, someday when I have two nickels in my pocket. I can offer you a job as my personal editor. With any luck, I’ll get so famous with my “Stupidville” concept that writers all around the world will be fighting to type up and edit my work! (It could happen.)

With that, I would like to tell you a little bit about ME! I am a magnet to the weird. Where ever there is a strange, odd or somewhat bizarre soul, I manage to always get in their path. After serving as a waitress for over 25-years, I have seen and heard some of the stupidest things you could imagine. I have also managed to meet some of the stupidest people on the planet. None of these folks were bad people, and I am sure they are not always what they seem. But in the situations where I have encountered him or her – for what ever length of time it might have been, I filed the memory under, “RESIDENTS OF STUPIDVILLE.“

Don’t get me wrong. They were lovely acquaintances I made, either serving them or while working with them over the years, in the many fine establishments I have been employed at in Florida and my home state of New Jersey. These memorable men, women and children that I have etched in my head so deeply that I feel the strong need to share my experience with others. Like I always say, “Life is WAY stranger than fiction.” And my customers, co-workers and fellow “hospitality workers” are living proof that insanity is an air-born disease, and I have not only been infected, but I am sure that I am a carrier. I believe “my apron” was the point of entry. Beware… and remember, if you can’t laugh at these characters at least give me time to put on my high-top sneakers and pull out my violin before you go “crying me a river.”

My motto is, I’d rather be remembered as the “CRAZY WAITRESS” that made you laugh than not remembered at all.

Just for the record, I am not saying I am any smarter, better, or less “stupid” than the next guy, because I have been known to perform some real winners, especially on topics I have no idea what I am talking about like sports, politics, electronics, etc. etc. Now, if you want to know all the shades of “pink” nail polish Revlon makes, or how to prepare cupcakes that look like Easter baskets for 100 five-year-olds then I am your gal. Fooffy-Snack-Mom-Extraordinaire! But, on those other issues, the ones I am totally oblivious about, don’t let me talk about those, because the blonde roots under my reasonably “natural” brown hair will quickly reveal themselves. Proving that I am the perfect candidate for “MAYOR OF STUPIDVILLE.” A title I would be proud to have. However, I do not want to take that honor away from anyone in my community that is more deserving. So, help me to find a worthy opponent to run against for MAYOR OF STUPIDVILLE, USA.

 

JOKESTER ALERT JOKESTER ALERT JOKESTER ALERT

 

 Please, send me your stupidest customer and co-worker comments or questions. Complaints, of course, too!

I have been a server for a long time, and I am pretty sure I have heard them all. But, just in case I’ve managed to elude one or two of these memorable folks throughout my career, please send me what you’ve got. This way, your customers, friends and family members may also gain the recognition he or she so deserves.

Your reward? You gain the satisfaction of knowing that someone you know – in whatever big or small town you’re in – has the chance of becoming, “MAYOR OF STUPIDVILLE – USA!”

Email your characters to me at:

Funyserver@gmail.com

http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/servingupsomefunny.html

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VALUABLE LESSON

Friday, August 28th, 2009

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way and even my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend, she was a dream. There was only one thing that bothered me, very much indeed. That one thing was my girlfriend’s younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old and wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend over when near me, showing me many pleasant views of her breast. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day, little sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.”

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight to my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The young man thought to himself, it’s a good thing I keep my condoms in my car.

http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/ServingUpSomeFunny.html

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JOKE OF THE DAY

Thursday, August 27th, 2009
Digging Ditches
A guy stops at a gas station and after filling his tank, he grabbed a soft drink paid the bill. He stood by his car, drinking a soda, watching a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man would then come along behind him and fill in the hole. While one was digging the hole, the other was filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the cola and went on down the road.
“I can’t understand this,” said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward them.
“Hold it, hold it,” he yelled to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with all this digging and refilling?”

“Well, we work for the government, and we’re just doing our job,” one man said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you just wasting taxpayers’ money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” the worker said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Elmer and Leroy. I did the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and then Leroy puts the dirt back. Elmer’s job’s been cut, so now it’s just me and Leroy.”

 

 

 http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/ServingUpSomeFunny.html

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THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/ServingUpSomeFunny.html

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RV ROAD TRIP

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

Like a Girl Scout mom on the side of the road, selling a little funny!

Like a Girl Scout mom on the side of the road, selling a little funny!

The RV road trip around Florida was an excellent idea I concocted after a very generous and loving friend offered my family and I the use of her 40 foot BUS!

My girls and I were jonesing for a beach trip over summer vacation seeing school was starting again in less than three weeks and for the first time in our lives, we did not get to take our week at the beach during break. Times are tuff, and this year it just wasn’t in the budget. Until of course I came up with this scheme to use the trip as a promotional tour for my book. I knew it would take a lot of persuading to get my husband too agree, because he is not the “borrowing” kind of guy, but I figured it was worth a try. This BAD BOY was BAD TO THE BONE! Definitely top of the food chain on the RV scale, and valued at about what my 5 bedroom 4 bath home is appraised at. Not to mention, my husband is more at home driving a Harley Davidson Motorcycle than an upscale-condo-on-wheels. Yet, I believed it was worth a try.
A good friend and loyal customer at the restaurant, who happens to be a truck driver, gave me my next big push. He suggested that I contact the Pilot Travel Centers and try to make arrangements to sell my books at their stations. He graciously supplied me with brochures that had maps and locations and store phone and fax numbers. From there, it was easy for me to track where I wanted to go and who I needed to contact for permission. Luckily all worked out in my favor, because I managed – with the help of my daughter Amanda – to get five approvals. Three in a perfect row, which would allow us to stop at beaches on both the east and west coast of the Sunshine State. COOL!
Next, I had to prove to my husband, Joe, how much fun it would be to take a road trip with his lovely wife and two lovely daughters (All who never shut up) in a motor coach for five days. Yeah, right? This was going to take all my wifely skills! But when I explained to him how I had all ready gotten permission to be at all the locations and that the general managers at each location looked forward to having me, trying to make it sound like it could be lucrative, I said, “I could sell a lot of books,” and that was my “best seller.” I had him hooked. But it wasn’t until Joann insisted yet again that we use the rig and enjoy the time together as a family that he finally gave in and agreed. =)

So, we scheduled to go to the Pilot Travel Centers in Punta Gorda, Ft. Myers and Ft. Pierce. I have my little table and my hot pink table cloth. I have my pink “We Are Friends” bear, baskets for my smiley face buttons and a box of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Plus, of course, a bunch of books ready to be signed in pink ink.

Then, I had a very pretty black and pink banner to hang that read: Help Spread The Laughter…Autographed Copies Of Serving Up Some Funny, and a stand-up board of the book cover with my slogan and my sites and addresses. We also had magnets on the bus that displayed my book cover with sites and addresses, and my daughters wrote “Author On Board” on the side windows just to attract a little more attention. Not that this vehicle didn’t all ready command the attention of everyone on the highway, but they were proud of me and wanted to show their support. It was really COOL!

We had never as a family took a real road trip and we never camp out, so this was going to be quite the experience. We left Central Florida and headed toward the west coast. Punta Gorda was our first stop, and Carl, the general manager of that store, was more than hospitable to let me solicit his patrons, both truckers, travelers and staff, and I managed to find a perfect spot out front in a shaded area with a lot of foot traffic. The perfect place to show my wears without getting in anyone’s way.

Next, we were off to Ft. Myers, where Mark, the general manager of that center, and his friendly employees and customers also made us feel very welcome. Folks shared jokes with me and I enjoyed meeting a few new good sports.

Lastly, it’s off to Ft. Piece – just across “Alligator Alley” (something this Jersey girl has always wanted to say I did) and over to the east side of the Sunshine State. Here, another general manager named Mark, greeted us, and not only did he open his business up to me, he also had positive words to share with me about how much he enjoyed reading the copy I had mailed him prior to my arrival. That was a “good tip.” Because we all know I am really only in it for the laughs…and compliments go a long way with me. To me, giggles prove I am succeeding in my mission…To Spread The Laughter!

It is a good thing that I am not in this for the money, because, strange enough, I didn’t sell ONE book, in the six hours or so I spend over three days pushing my books on the side of the street like a scout mom selling cookies. However, on the first day, while I was set up in Punta Gorda, a very nice middle-aged man approached. He asked what I was doing. I explained like I normally do, how: “I am a Florida server-mom that has a good memory for bad jokes and decided to publish a very tastefully done, but a little SPICY joke book.”

He praised me for my effort, and then he placed a $20 bill under one of the books that was fanned out on the table. I reached to grab a book for him, but he started to turn and walk away. “I don’t really need an autographed copy,” he said but good luck and enjoy.”

I quickly tried to offer him a cookie or a button, but he just walked off to his vehicle that was parked at one of the pumps at the far side of the station. “God bless you,” I said as I looked around to see if my family was near. He waved and then he was gone.

I picked up the $20 bill only to be further surprised that the $20 bill was actually five $20 bills. 100 bucks! Who does that? Who was he? I thought. WOW! Too Cool!

Just then, Joe and the girls came out from the store and I told them what had happened. Too weird, right? But we all agreed, it had to be a “Giggle Fairy,” helping me along my way or maybe my “Little Angel,” trying to make sure I don’t get discouraged or lose hope. Either way, it was the best thing to come out of my “saleless” trip. It confirmed my belief that there is a higher power assisting me on my journey to bring the world a bit of laughter, but it also allowed my family and I to have so much fun, while meeting so many new people that it didn’t matter that I didn’t make a sale. Times are tuff and although most folks right now don’t have the funds to be frivolous, they sure are not frugal with their kindness, and “showing me some love” counts triple in my book!

 

http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/ServingUpSomeFunny.html

 

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Technological Meltdown

Monday, August 24th, 2009

I would have never thought that the hardest part about being a professional writer would be getting my thoughts into the computer. People always talk about “writer’s block.” I could never run out of entertaining material to write about- unfortunately, I have a really hard time working with materials other than pens and paper.  May the force be with me! =)

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Today’s Giggle

Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out for some quiet reading time. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies. (Thinking, isn’t it obvious?)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informed her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I am not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” said the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” said the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day Ma’am,” he said as he pulled away.

 

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LAUGHS WITH LISA

Saturday, August 22nd, 2009

Florida “server-mom” recently turned AUTHOR, now has a column on openwriting.com called Laughs With Lisa. It is in England, and one of my first posts was from a woman in Australia giving me the thumbs up.

Great tip!  GIGGLES ARE GOOD! =)

 

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Two Points

Saturday, August 22nd, 2009
A husband is at home watching the football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

Well then, she asks, “Could you fix the refrigerator door? It won’t close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a darn carpenter, and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead. I don’t think so.”

He then tells her that he is going to the bar for a couple of drinks, and he won’t be back for a couple of hours.

While drinking, he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and he decides to go home and help out. As he walks up to the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he walks into the house he notices the hallway light is working. As he goes for a beer, he notices the refrigerator door is fixed. “Honey, how’d all this get fixed?”

She answers, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. A nice young man came along and asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”

“So what kind of cake did you bake him?” He asked.

“Hellooo, do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don’t think so,” she replies.

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Spreading the Laughter

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

If giggles are what you are after, I am known for being the “Mistress of Giggles.” 

Sure, I am just your average ”crazy Florida server-mom,” but, now I can tell everyone that I am also  a PUBLISHED AUTHOR!

Help me SPREAD THE LAUGHTER.  GIGGLES ARE GOOD!  =)

To get a copy of my tasteful collection of “spicy” jokes go to: www.strategicbookpublishing.com/servingupsomefunnyhtml

To send me a new joke, which I am always on the look out for, or praise, which I live for, email me at: funyserver@gmail.com

Or… to get an autographed copy, signed in pink ink, just drop by Haystax Restaurant in Eustis, Florida, during breakfast hours, and it is almost a guarantee you’ll find me there “slingin’ hash and sharing giggles,”with plenty of copies to spare.

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