Archive for September, 2009

FROM DANIEL IN FLORIDA

Monday, September 21st, 2009
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Marie?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration.

 

“You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone.You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

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TRYING TO BE NEIGHBORLY

Friday, September 18th, 2009

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, but he said he didn’t live far and he would just walk. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchase home. While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said, “Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, “I am only a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady. I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

 

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JUST HELPING OUT

Thursday, September 17th, 2009

One day a woman came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to an attractive, younger woman. She was VERY upset. “You are a disrespectful pig. How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, and the mother of your children. I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away.”

And Paddy, the husband replied: “Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they are the last words you’ll ever say to me Paddy.”

So Paddy began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home when this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and led her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed her up the enchiladas I made you last night, the one’s you wouldn’t eat because you thought you might gain weight. The poor thing devoured them in a moment. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So, I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you won’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear, because someone at work has a pair like them.”

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

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LEADERSHIP QUALITIES

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
One time, I asked my boss, the original owner of the Diner where I worked, what the numbers were for that were taped along the front door frame at the restaurant. To which he told me, they were there to show how high the water levels have gotten over the years in this location. Considering he lived here most of his life and he was pretty old, plus he owned the restaurant, I took what he said as the “truth.” However, it wasn’t until several years later that I learned he was only messing with me.

So, I was working with my manager, who happened to be the original owner’s daughter-in-law, and this couple asked me, while I am cashing them out at the register – by the front door, “What are the numbers (taped to the door frame) for?”

To which I replied, as I had several time throughout the years when asked, “It marks the height the water levels here in Lake County have reached over the years.”

Being newly transplanted northerners, the couple also accepted the explanation and went on their way. It wasn’t until after they left that I saw my manager laughing her keester off. Literally, she was almost out of breath laughing so hard. I thought she was going to need medical attention. After a few minutes, when she finally managed to compose herself, she asked me, “Where did you get that hair-brain idea about the numbers?”

But before I could even get a word out, she went on to tell me what they really were for, and how she was shocked that with all my experience in the hospitality industry and in life in general that I didn’t already know. Then still chuckling, and still not giving my an opportunity to speak, she continued, “Those numbers stupid are up there so in case the restaurant ever gets robbed we can tell the police the thieves approximate size.”

Apparently, all convenient stores, gas stations, restaurant have this to help identify criminals, and any person with half a brain is aware of this. The fact that I not only never noticed them anywhere else before or since the old man had told me this load of crap was bad enough, but now knowing that I had told other people that crap and they probably told other people, and so on and so on, that was really bad. Plus now everyone at the Diner knew how gullible I really was. And you could guarantee that anyone that wasn’t either working or eating at the Diner that day would be told – again and again – until everyone had heard the story, and how I definitely deserved to be “Major of Stupidville!”

The best part was when I finally told my manager that it was her father-in-law that supplied me with this handy information, she literally had to remove herself from the dining room because she couldn’t stop laughing. The next day when the old man stopped in to raz me, he said, “I would have never thought you were stupid enough to believe me!”

 

 

A VISIT WITH A STRANGER

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
I can almost hear my mother’s voice saying, “It’s such a small world.” And when I look at this picture from Halloween her words suddenly become very real to me.

My husband, Joe, and I were celebrating our first Halloween as newlyweds, and we decided to go all out. We were going to hit downtown Orlando and party at the “Church Street Station Bash.” I, dressed as a Jeannie and my beau in caveman skins set out as locals to do the “tourist-thing.” We stopped at several bars, looked around the many shops and even managed to scream our way through a haunted house. The town was jumping, and we were having a good’ole time.

Suddenly amidst the crowd of costumed spectators, a man pushing his bicycle down the cobblestone path caught my eye. He was in his mid-to-late-thirties, a rather tall man dressed in layers of dark clothing. He was roughly groomed but had good posture and a friendly smile. On the front of his basic, brown beach-cruiser bike, within the confines of a metal netted basket securely faceted to the handlebars, rested one of the cutest, four-legged passengers I had ever seen. She, a medium sized mixed breed resembling a “Benji-dog,” sat ever so comfortably atop a pile of towels or sweaters or something that had been neatly placed beneath her. She wore a pair of hot pink sunglasses and a lovely straw hat with a ribbon and flower right above her right droopy ear.

An avid animal lover, I was quick to approach the man and ask to take a picture of his friend. With a smile, he turned toward the rear of his bike and lifted up a blanket that covered another basket. He pointed to a glass jar with a white, hand-printed label that read: “PHOTOS FOR $1 DONATION.”

Joe eagerly pulled out a dollar along with a couple more to spare and shoved them into the jar. Then as I reached for the bike from the man, he motioned Joe to go stand by my side, explaining to us that he would take the picture. Here we were, standing in the middle of downtown Orlando, holding this man’s home – his life, while he photographs the two of us with what is probably his best friend. Strange? Maybe. But the picture did turn out beautiful, and our memory of the evening always did seem to humble us a bit.

That was until a few months later when my husband and I were in Key West on a long weekend-getaway. We were dining on the patio of a local eatery, when again I was taken by a man in the street playing with his dog. For several minutes I watched as the man sat on the curb across from us tossing a yarn ball up the road for his dog to catch. And then watching the dog faithfully return it for yet another try.

Just then, as the man began to gather up his things, he motioned his dog to come and it did. It gracefully hopped into the metal basket on the front of the man’s bike and sat patiently while he placed a straw hat on its head. I sensed a strange feeling of familiarity. I tried to comment to Joe in choppy sentences about my suspicion, but the man was about to escape eye’s view. I felt a strong impulse to run after him. I jumped up from my seat and briskly walked across the courtyard and out the front gate. “Excuse me. Excuse me, sir,” I said quickening my pace. “Sir!” I yelled.

As I approached him, he stopped and turned toward me, his eye brows lifted as if trying to remember if he knew me or not. Stumbling for words, I asked, “Where were you for Halloween?”

He paused momentarily and then answered, “Orlando.”

“Yes, I knew it,” I whispered to myself.

“Church Street Station, maybe?” I asked.

“Yeap, that’s were I was,” he answered.

Totally amazed, I began to ramble on about how Joe and I had met him in Orlando, and how we have a photograph of his dog on our bulletin board at home. Friendly as could be, “Vincent” introduced himself and began to tell me his tale.

It was incredible to me. The fact that I had complained the whole eight hours drive down about how uncomfortable I was, and here this man was telling me about how it took him three months to travel on bike with his dog from Orlando to St. Augustine and then down the eastern coast to Key West. Strange or what, all of us ending up together again, nearly 400-miles from home?

Fascinated by his story, I led him back to the restaurant were we continued our conversation with my husband at the table. A conversation that was as enlightening for us as it was uncomfortable to those dining around us. Although Vincent never actually entered the courtyard, his presence seemed less than appreciated. Nevertheless, Joe and I continued to enjoy his company. We offered them both food and drinks, which Vincent declined, and Joe even attempted to give him some money, but he refused, pulling a wad of cash from his front pant pocket, saying, “This is just from today.”

He said he had more, but he had given his change jar to a friend in need the night before. So, with nosy patrons giving us their looks of discontent, Joe and I finished our meal and concluded our visit with Vincent. After that, we both wished Vincent and his dog the very best as we exited the restaurant’s courtyard. …and off we all went in very different directions.

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CAMPGROUND MANAGER

Monday, September 14th, 2009

It seems this old fashioned, delicate and elegant lady and  her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote a particular campground and asked for reservations.
 
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t know quite how to word “TOILET,”  in her letter to the manager.
 
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashion term “Bathroom Commode.”  But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again.  She re-wrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as “BC.”
 
Does the campground have its own BC? Is what she actually wrote.  Well the campground manager wasn’t old fashion at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about, the BC business really stumped him.
 
After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t figure out what the woman meant either.  So the campground manager, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of a Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply.
 
Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that the BC is located 9 miles North of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.  I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunch along and make a day of it.  They usually arrive early and stay late. 
 
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there.  It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. That is going to be held in the basement of the BC.  I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part.  As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
 
If you do decide to come down to our campground perhaps, I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks.
 
Remember, this is a friendly community.
 
Campground Manager

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BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009

Two 90-year old men, Sam and Moe, have been friends their whole lives. Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day. “Sam,” says Moe, “You know how we both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you’ve got to let me know if there’s baseball up there.”

Sam looks at Moe from his death bed and says, “Moe, you’ve been my best friend for so many years. This favor, if it at all possible, I’ll do for you.”

Shortly after, Sam passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is sound asleep, when he is awakened by a blinding light and a voice calling out to him, “Moe. Moe,” it says.

“Who is it? Moe asks, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Moe, it’s me, Sam.”

“Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam just died.”

“I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It is me, SAM.”

“Sam? Is that you? Where are you?”

“I’m in Heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you something. I’ve got really good news and a little bad news.”

“So tell me the good news first,” says Moe.

“The good news is that there is baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who’ve gone before us are there. Better yet, we’re all young men again. Better yet, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired,” he says.

“Really?” says Moe. “That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams. But what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching next Tuesday.”

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IT WORKED

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who use to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad: For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up the garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, F.B.I agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Bubba

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