Spreading The Laughter

I woke up late, thanks to a dead battery in my bedroom alarm clock. The power must have gone out during the middle of the night, because the numbers 00:00 were flashing. I got up from bed and in a bit of a daze, I walked into the bathroom to relieve my rather full bladder. As I walked in and lifted up the toilet seat, I was taken back by the ripe stench that rose with the lid – straight up and into my face like a SLAP. WOW! That was an opener. With that, I hit the light switch to get a better look at what had invaded my bathroom.  WOW! Again, I was taken back not only by the smell of death, but this time, it was visual. What a sight! My usually rather clean white commode was now decorated with the strangest brownish-green splats and spots all over it. It was even on the inside of the lid and even on the top of the seat. Plus there was a huge load of it festering in the bottom of the bowl. Nasty, I thought, and potent, too. I found it hard to even lean in towards it just to flush, but I did. With my fingers tightly holding my nasal passages closed, I leaned in to flush. But, just as I did, I noticed my youngest daughter, Mia, sleeping all curled up in our cold damp tub. She must have woken up in the middle of the night with a bad stomach.   Surprised, I flinched and hit my head on the wicker shelf that hung above the toilet, knocking MY brand new electric tooth brush right off the top shelf and into the lake of swampy crap. I tried to grab it quick enough, before it made contact, but instead, I accidentally shifted my body weight and hit the flusher. Lovely. I am not putting my hand in there, I thought. But if I didn’t, I was sure I would end up with a bill from the plumber before the day was done. So, without further hesitation, I stuck my freshly French manicured fingers into the bowl from HELL. Yuk! Too gross. Whoosh. Straight into the sink, with a spray of nasty as it flew by. MORE GROSS!  Enough of this, I thought.

By now, my daughter had started to wake up. “Not feeling good,” I asked as she lifted herself up to see what I was doing.

“It was bad,” she said in a sleepy, Minnie Mouse kind of tone.

“Too much fruit last night,” I replied just before realizing her entire bottom was also decorated in crap. “Oh, my God,” I sighed. “What does your bed look like?”

“I made it to the bathroom,” Mia said with pride. “It’s only in here, mommy.”

“Thank you, God,” I sighed as I tried to undress my baby girl without getting any more of the mess on me. I showing off Miss Poopy like I would have one of the dogs. I stood outside of the tub and hosed her down with the movable shower.

After that I figured I better move on and try to get my morning back on schedule. This mess would just have to wait until after the girls had been picked up for school, because I still had to wake up Bekka, make breakfast and lunches, get the girls in their already ironed and laid out clothes for the day. Otherwise Annette, my carpool mom, would be outside waiting in my driveway for two unfed poorly dressed, no lunch carrying little girls that would be out of focus like their mother all day. We couldn’t have that. Plus I still had to wake up my husband, Steven, who actually go to sleep in 30-minutes later today, because it is my day off and he doesn’t have to get the girls ready. Not that I don’t always iron our clothes the night before and not that I don’t always set breakfast out before I leave for my early morning shift at the diner and not that I don’t always make lunches for everyone and have them neatly packed away in the refrigerator – but on Wednesdays – I get to actually wake up early anyway so that I can walk everyone through the stages that I am normally gone to see.

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Tags: Giggles

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 6th, 2010 at 4:00 pm and is filed under pleasantville. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.