Spreading The Laughter

“You are all part of our team now,“ said the Humane Resource representative during a welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the employees.”

The cannibals promised that they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarks, “You’re all working very hard, and I am very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads “no.”

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals shouted, “You fool. For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But nooo, you had to go eat someone important.”

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Bob said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”

Mark replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

A little boy went to his father and asked, “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?”

The father replied, “Well son, you must of got it from your mother, because I still have mine.”

“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce Court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said, “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither doc,” the husband said. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

An old man goes to a Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

There are two reasons why it is so hard to solve a redneck murder. One the DNA all matches, and two, there are no dental records.

A blonde calls the Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it will take to fly from San Francisco to New York?”

The agent replies, “Just a minute…”

“Thank you,” she says and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzales. “How was he killed?” asked the one detective.

“With a golf gun,” the other replied.

“A golf gun? What is a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.”

“My wife got me to believe in religion,” Moe said to Joe.
Joe said, “Really?”

“Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.”

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. “I’m O.K. But I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery.”

“What did he say,” asked the nurse.

“OOPS.”

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least two years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advise. “What do you think?” I asked.
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get the bikini,” he replied. “You’ll never get it all in one.”

LAUGH ON…

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An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical exams on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after I have sex with my wife the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly?”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to talk to me about?”

The lady responded that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said, “Your husband had a unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old fart.” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December.”

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There were two pirates drinking on a ship out to sea. One had a parrot on his shoulder. The bird kept taunting the other pirate saying, “Screw you one-eye,” and then it would jester with its wing.

The pirate got angry, but this went on for hours, until both pirates were very drunk. At that time, the one pirate asked the other if he could buy his bird. The other accepted his offer and handed over the bird. When the pirate returned to his quarters with the bird, he sat down in his chair and while holding the bird tightly around its neck, he said, “You are going to respect me.”

The parrot replies, “Screw you one-eye.”

So the pirate jumped up from his chair and shoved the bird into the freezer. He screamed, “You will learn to obey me.” He then stumbled off and passed out.

In the morning, the pirate woke. He got up from his bunk and walked toward the refrigerator. He opened the door to the freezer to find his new pet frozen solid. Oddly, the parrot was positioned with one wing covering his right eye, while the other wing appeared to be in the middle of a “screw you” gesture.

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When Johnny turned sixteen his father called him into the house and told him to go out in the yard and grab himself a duck. Then take that duck into town and sell it to the butcher,  and with the money you make, find yourself a lady down in town to have some fun with. Johnny said, “A hooker?”

His father answered, “Yeah.”

So Johnny did as he is told. On his way to town, he was approached by a woman rather skimpily dressed, standing on the corner. She asked him if he wanted to go have a good time. He explained how it is his birthday and how he had to sell the duck before he could have any fun. She noticed rather quickly that Johnny was somewhat of a “young stud.” So she offered to trade her services for the duck. He anxiously agreed.

The two return to her “place of business,” where Johnny did prove to be quite a stud. After giving the woman great pleasure, she asked Johnny if he wanted to do it again? She said if he would, she would give him back his duck. Again, Johnny eagerly agreed.

Afterwards, while Johnny was walking through town with the duck, a truck went speeding by, causing Johnny to flinch. The duck jumped out of Johnny’s hands and right into the flow of traffic. Alive but a bit tattered, Johnny decides to take the duck to the butcher shop anyway, hoping to sell it for what ever it is worth. The butcher gave him $2.

When Johnny got home his father was waiting out on a porch swing. He asked his son how everything went. With a big smile on his face and a giggle in his tone, Johnny answered, “Well, dad. I got screwed for a duck, I screwed for a duck, and then I got two bucks for a screwed up duck.”

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Two Doctors

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”

The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to “Hysteria’s and Posteriors”.

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to “Schizoids and Hemorrhoid…s.” No go.

Next they tried “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again.

Then came “Manic-depressives and Anal retentives” Still not good.

How about “Minds and Behinds”? Unacceptable again.

So they tried “Lost Souls and Ass Holes” Still no go.

Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts” or “Nuts and Butts” or Freaks and Cheeks” or
“Loons and Moons” work either.

Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones ……….. Odds and Ends.” APPROVED!

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