Posts Tagged ‘Giggles’

Cannibals

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

“You are all part of our team now,“ said the Humane Resource representative during a welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the employees.”

The cannibals promised that they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarks, “You’re all working very hard, and I am very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads “no.”

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals shouted, “You fool. For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But nooo, you had to go eat someone important.”

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That’s just BAD

Monday, September 6th, 2010

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Bob said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”

Mark replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

A little boy went to his father and asked, “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?”

The father replied, “Well son, you must of got it from your mother, because I still have mine.”

“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce Court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said, “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither doc,” the husband said. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

An old man goes to a Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

There are two reasons why it is so hard to solve a redneck murder. One the DNA all matches, and two, there are no dental records.

A blonde calls the Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it will take to fly from San Francisco to New York?”

The agent replies, “Just a minute…”

“Thank you,” she says and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzales. “How was he killed?” asked the one detective.

“With a golf gun,” the other replied.

“A golf gun? What is a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.”

“My wife got me to believe in religion,” Moe said to Joe.
Joe said, “Really?”

“Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.”

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. “I’m O.K. But I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery.”

“What did he say,” asked the nurse.

“OOPS.”

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least two years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advise. “What do you think?” I asked.
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get the bikini,” he replied. “You’ll never get it all in one.”

LAUGH ON… :-)

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Flashes

Sunday, September 5th, 2010

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical exams on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after I have sex with my wife the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly?”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to talk to me about?”

The lady responded that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said, “Your husband had a unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old fart.” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December.”

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The Diner: Meet Lloyd

Saturday, September 4th, 2010

Lloyd would have to be my all time favorite customer at the Diner. Not only because he has faithfully dined in my section the longest, but because I also have a little crush on him.

When I first started working at the Diner, he and his wife would come in every morning for the early-bird breakfast special. From 5:30am to 7:00am each week day, you could get: “Two eggs, toast and coffee for $2.10.”

They would share one and rotate who got the coffee – odd man out drank water. They did this 4-5 days a week. Sure, they afford to order more, but that was enough to fill them up and it was their morning routine. One would think that after a lifetime of waking up early every day to go to work and raise their family that when they finally did get the chance to retired they would slowed down a little bit. But no, not these two. They had to be nearly 100 each, yet they were two of the most active people I had ever met. Plus, who am I to just them if they choose to wake up before the rooster crowed just to come visit me. I didn’t mind. They were friendly and easy, and they brought me new jokes, and even though their daily tab only totaled $2.25 with tax, they always left me 5-bucks. Not to mention, they were the cutest and coolest couple I had ever met!

They were quite the picture too, this adorable couple that had already spent over 60-years together. She was a elegant Southern lady, who always matching from head to toe. She even had purses and shoes to match every outfit. Yes ma’am, right down to her eye glasses, she would match.

Lloyd, however, was a mess. He was a lanky man, tall and thin. He wore round, wire-framed eye glasses and odd hats. An avid golfer, he was known for his wild shoes and crazy colored pants. The bad part about Lloyd’s wardrobe was he like to pair these funky pants up with crazy shirts, which never matched. Then – to top it all off – even though we live in the Sunshine State, where the average temperature is above 80-degrees, he would add a heavy, hand-knitted vest on top, which also DID NOT match his ensemble. You could say he liked to mix it up a bit. Like the “King of the Clowns” with his “Dutches.”

I thought he was cute, and his dear little misses didn’t seem to mind the attention her husband drew. Carol Ann and I – my partner in crime at the Diner – LOVED them both, because they gave us something to talk about after their visits each day, for the rest of our day.

They were the kind of couple that you couldn’t help but fall in love with. They were HAPPY and deeply in LOVE. They inspired me and made me hope that I could share half as many wonderful years with my husband as they had all ready shared together- especially seeing they had been married longer than either of us had even been alive. WOW!

Over the years, we shared our stories. They got to hear all my tales and meet my family during their occasional run ins with them at the Diner, and I learned all about their fascinating adventures. How they both came from large families, sharing 16 siblings combined – seven on his side and nine on hers – with few on either side still living. Then, how they both worked hard in rough times, when “Modern Technology” was still considered “Science Fiction.”

Not to mention, they raised 7 children of their own, which started a family tree that now branches out to: 23 grandchildren, 19 great-grandchildren and 4 great-great-grandchildren.

**

The first time I met the couple, they had come into the Diner, but they weren’t sitting in my section. They were my co-worker Carol Ann’s regulars, because they liked to sit against the window and look out into the early morning darkness. As I walked passed their table from my section, she called out “Janice.”

I didn’t respond. I had no idea she was even speaking to me. My name’s not Janice. So I kept going on my way. A little while later when the couple was leaving, again we crossed paths, but this time, she reached out and touched my arm before saying, “Janice.”

“Sweety, are you asking me if my name is Janice?” I asked.

“No, sugar pie. But you look a lot like my Janice,” she said.

“Your Janice,” I repeated.

“My Janice,” she said again as she reached for a large, gold locket that hung from a chain around her neck. Inside the beautiful charm was a rather old photograph of a young woman that very much resembled me – her baby sister that had passed a very long time ago. And from that moment on, she was my new BFF! Unfortunately, making best friends with very old woman can end up very sad.

One day, Lloyd came in on a Monday morning and he was all alone. I joked with him about not having a half order of the Early Bird Special, before asking where was the little misses? Although I had never served him alone, I didn’t think much about it. Until all of a sudden I saw the terror in his face and his eyes began to swell up quickly. I felt the biggest lump begin to swell up I my own throat, as I mustarded up enough courage to say, “Is momma sleeping in today?”

To which he replied without hesitation, “No, sweetie, she passed over the weekend.”

Shocked, tears just poured down my cheeks. I felt so bad. I had to walk away. I politely excuse myself and ran towards the bathroom. But not before motioning Carol Ann to follow me.“Oh, my God,” I cried. “His wife died. She died over the weekend and now he is here – without her. Please go check on him while I try to get myself together?”

She tried to comfort me and promised to go take care of him for me. She too was fond of them. They were her regular customers way before I ever started serving them. She just wasn’t as emotional as I am, so she thought she could handle it better. She was wrong, though. Because when I finally did compose myself enough to leave the ladies room and go back to work, she too was all ready weeping. Yes, hearing our dear sweet friend refer to his dear sweet wife as his now dearly beloved, was too much for even her.

So, Carol Ann and I vowed to look after him. We both managed to hold it together long enough to give him our phone numbers, with the promise to be available if he ever needed us for anything. Luckily, though, because he did create such a large close knit family there were plenty of kin to care for him, and they all came quickly and willingly. They were also very pleased to know that their parents had so many dear friends and acquaintances.

Nearly 7-years later, at the ripe old age of 98, Lloyd still drives himself to the Diner for an occasional visit. Sure, we pray for him and everyone who has the misfortune of being on the road while he is behind the wheel, but we believe his angel is watching over. And sure, it may take him 15-minutes to walk the 15-steps it takes to get from his parking spot to the entrance of the building, but he does it on his own, and we are happy for the chance to see him. Even other regular customers at the Diner regularly ask about him and how he is doing.

We used to have a running joke at the Diner about how, if we really wanted to make him feel special we would serve orange marmalade with our breakfasts. (Because grape, strawberry and mixed fruit flavored jams weren’t good enough for him.) “Orange Marmalade would be wonderful with my morning toast,” he’d say.

To which I would reply, “That’s what you got mamma for, my friend.”

And then his wife would say, “I have Marmalade at home for you.”

I never will forget either of them. and since then, we’ve not only added a “One-egg-one -piece-of-toast-and-coffee-ever-other-time-I-see-you special” to the breakfast menu, but I also keep a jar of orange marmalade in the fridge, just for him, in case he needs reminding of how special he really is!

Serving is my LIFE because of men and women like these. You can’t imagine how COOL it is just to know them! :-)

The Fly

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day, when he happened on a pile of fresh horse manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and he could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitch fork leaning up against the wall. He climbed up to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he was airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splattering when he hit the floor DEAD.

The moral: Never fly off the handle when you know you are full of shit. :-)

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One-eye

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

There were two pirates drinking on a ship out to sea. One had a parrot on his shoulder. The bird kept taunting the other pirate saying, “Screw you one-eye,” and then it would jester with its wing.

The pirate got angry, but this went on for hours, until both pirates were very drunk. At that time, the one pirate asked the other if he could buy his bird. The other accepted his offer and handed over the bird. When the pirate returned to his quarters with the bird, he sat down in his chair and while holding the bird tightly around its neck, he said, “You are going to respect me.”

The parrot replies, “Screw you one-eye.”

So the pirate jumped up from his chair and shoved the bird into the freezer. He screamed, “You will learn to obey me.” He then stumbled off and passed out.

In the morning, the pirate woke. He got up from his bunk and walked toward the refrigerator. He opened the door to the freezer to find his new pet frozen solid. Oddly, the parrot was positioned with one wing covering his right eye, while the other wing appeared to be in the middle of a “screw you” gesture.

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Rye Bread

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

Two older men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80-year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you have great stamina with the ladies.”

So on the way home, the 80-year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleswoman asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”

He said, “I want five loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves, by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard already.”

He replied, “I can’t believe it, everyone in the whole world knows about this crap but me.”

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What Religion Is Your Bra?

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

A man walks into the ladies’ department of a local clothing store. He shyly walks up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I would like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type,” the man inquired. “There is more than one type?”

“Look around,” the sales lady said, as she shows him a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

“Actually, even with all this variety, there really are only four types to choose from.”

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The sales lady replied, “There are the Catholic bras, the Salvation Army bras, the Presbyterian bras, and the

Baptist bras. Which one would you prefer?”

Now totally confused, the man asked about the differences between them. The sales lady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist bra makes mountains out of mole hills.”

Recently, Germany have also added a their own type of bra, the “Holtzemfromfloppen.”

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To Get to ME!

Monday, August 30th, 2010

If you are trying to reach Funny Server and cannot get your comment through, please email me at www.Funyserver@gmail.com I would LOVE to hear from you. Sometimes things get lost and other times I accidentally lose them. SO. this is really the BEST way to reach me.

Remember though, I am here all alone. The only help I have is my daughters, and they are 9 and 14-years old. Be kind. Be patient, and I promise if you want to get a response from me all you have to do is ask. Just don’t make it a technical question like “Why can ‘t I get you on my Blackberry?” (Which I believe is a very high tech cell-phone) because again I will not be able to help you. I am her to make you giggle, How I get into your computer is way beyond me!

Thanks bunches for stopping in and I hope you laugh a lot! :-)

Giggles are ALWAYS good.

Flavors

Monday, August 30th, 2010

The 1st grade teacher asked her class to identify the flavors of hard candies by their color:

Red…………………Cherry
Yellow……………..Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavored candy. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, “I will give you all one clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

Suddenly, one little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh my God, they’re candy ass-holes!”

The teacher had to leave the room!  :-)

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