Spreading The Laughter

The other night I was invited out on the town with “the boys.”  I told my wife I would be back before midnight. I promised.

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down WAY too easy.  At around 3 a.m, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.  Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.  Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up so I cuckooed another nine times.  I was really proud of myself having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed – to escape a possible conflict with the wife.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o’clock.  She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew. Got away with that one.

Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.  When I asked her why, she said, “Well, it cuckooed 3 times last night, then said oh shit, cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.”

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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and then he mentioned that he was a lawyer, before he proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up, so she took the crabs home and ate them that night.

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy, because he is a lawyer from New York. He is certain that he is better educated than any cop from Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense.

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You have to come to a complete stop at a stop sign. That is the law. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration, and you can give me a ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me a ticket.”

Deputy says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crud out of the lawyer. He says, “So, do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was driving in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the pooor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well then, you can come home with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under the tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he added, “You can come with us too.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then stated, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.”

“Bring them all,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place, the grass is almost a foot high.”

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Yesterday, I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away.” I said. “I haven’t got any money. I am broke.” I yelled as I proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty,” he said. “Not until you’ve at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a large bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

 “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove every trace of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.”

I stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a friggin good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

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A bus stops and two Cajuns get on.  They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.  The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.  Then I come one last time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.  “We shouldn’t have to hear talk of your sex life in public.”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the one man. “Who talkin’ about a sexa? I’m justa telli my friend how to spella “Mississippi.”

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A father comes home from work and looks around the house for his 17-year old son Timmy. He enters Timmy’s room to find a note on his desk that was neatly folded with DAD written on it. He reads the note.

 Dear Dad,  I’m sorry that you and Mom don’t like my new girlfriend. I know she might seem odd with all her piercings and tattoos, and I know it upsets you that she is 10-years older than me and has children already. Plus the fact that all of her babies’-daddies are in jail and she’s on welfare, but I really LOVE her. We decided we were going to elope, this way maybe you and Mom could ease into the idea, and by the time we return you’ll feel better about the whole thing. I really do love you both, but you know I have to live my own life. Don’t worry, I can always get my GED and attend college later.

Wish me best. See you soon.  Love Timmy

 Ps. I’m just kidding. I across the street at Bobby’s house, I did fail my history test though.

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An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call them all in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who he would hire.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” pointing to the man to the right of him.

The first man replied, “A thought. It pops into your head, there is no forewarning that it is on its way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”

“That’s very good,” replied the interviewer. “And now you, sir?” he asked the second man.

“Hmmm, let me see. A blink. It comes and goes, and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”

“Excellent,” the interviewer said. “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

As he turns to the third man, who is contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my Dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fasting thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with the third man’s answer, and thought he found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fasting thing I know of is diarrhea.”

“What?” said the interviewer, stunned by the responce.

“Oh, I can explain,” said the fourth man. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so well and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I’d already shit my pants.”

He – of course – got the job.

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,” and he indicated the sender, who nods his head and smiles. 
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man. Then, she decided to send a reply to him by note.  The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.  The note read:

“For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants.”

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.  He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMWZ8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over $20-million in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the bottle back.”

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