Spreading The Laughter

There were two pirates drinking on a ship out to sea. One had a parrot on his shoulder. The bird kept taunting the other pirate saying, “Screw you one-eye,” and then it would jester with its wing.

The pirate got angry, but this went on for hours, until both pirates were very drunk. At that time, the one pirate asked the other if he could buy his bird. The other accepted his offer and handed over the bird. When the pirate returned to his quarters with the bird, he sat down in his chair and while holding the bird tightly around its neck, he said, “You are going to respect me.”

The parrot replies, “Screw you one-eye.”

So the pirate jumped up from his chair and shoved the bird into the freezer. He screamed, “You will learn to obey me.” He then stumbled off and passed out.

In the morning, the pirate woke. He got up from his bunk and walked toward the refrigerator. He opened the door to the freezer to find his new pet frozen solid. Oddly, the parrot was positioned with one wing covering his right eye, while the other wing appeared to be in the middle of a “screw you” gesture.

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When Johnny turned sixteen his father called him into the house and told him to go out in the yard and grab himself a duck. Then take that duck into town and sell it to the butcher,  and with the money you make, find yourself a lady down in town to have some fun with. Johnny said, “A hooker?”

His father answered, “Yeah.”

So Johnny did as he is told. On his way to town, he was approached by a woman rather skimpily dressed, standing on the corner. She asked him if he wanted to go have a good time. He explained how it is his birthday and how he had to sell the duck before he could have any fun. She noticed rather quickly that Johnny was somewhat of a “young stud.” So she offered to trade her services for the duck. He anxiously agreed.

The two return to her “place of business,” where Johnny did prove to be quite a stud. After giving the woman great pleasure, she asked Johnny if he wanted to do it again? She said if he would, she would give him back his duck. Again, Johnny eagerly agreed.

Afterwards, while Johnny was walking through town with the duck, a truck went speeding by, causing Johnny to flinch. The duck jumped out of Johnny’s hands and right into the flow of traffic. Alive but a bit tattered, Johnny decides to take the duck to the butcher shop anyway, hoping to sell it for what ever it is worth. The butcher gave him $2.

When Johnny got home his father was waiting out on a porch swing. He asked his son how everything went. With a big smile on his face and a giggle in his tone, Johnny answered, “Well, dad. I got screwed for a duck, I screwed for a duck, and then I got two bucks for a screwed up duck.”

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Two Doctors

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”

The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to “Hysteria’s and Posteriors”.

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to “Schizoids and Hemorrhoid…s.” No go.

Next they tried “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again.

Then came “Manic-depressives and Anal retentives” Still not good.

How about “Minds and Behinds”? Unacceptable again.

So they tried “Lost Souls and Ass Holes” Still no go.

Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts” or “Nuts and Butts” or Freaks and Cheeks” or
“Loons and Moons” work either.

Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones ……….. Odds and Ends.” APPROVED!

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